Since it's been a few weeks since the last Friday Confessional, I thought we might have another go at it... what do you say?
This week, I'm confessing that deep-down I am a little jealous of the several of my friends who have recently announced their second pregnancies (or attempts at getting pregnant). To clarify, it's not that I'm jealous of their babies, or even of their pregnancies. It's more that I'm jealous of the fact that they're able to get pregnant without thinking or dwelling on the "What Ifs".
Bea and I were recently at a playgroup, and a mother announced that she and her husband, "Pulled the goalie" and were going to let fate decide if there would be a second child in their family. I smiled and said, "That's great!", because I am truly happy for them, and wish them the best in their future family plans.
But on the inside, I was thinking, "We could never think like that; but Lord, I wish we could."
It's not a secret: Beatrice Kate will most likely be our only child. And that's an intentional decision. Intentional because of those dark, lurking "What Ifs" that "normal parents" never give a second thought to. However, as preemie parents; especially as preemie parents who have the potential to be "second-time preemie parents"... another pregnancy scares the crap out of us.
Questions like: "What if I don't make it full-term again", "What if we have another NICU stay" unfortunately take center stage in our family planning discussions now. I think of all the things that Prematurity robbed from us as a family... that sense of security (even if it was false) is the thing I miss most. Before prematurity happened to us, we were blissfully ignorant of all the things that can go wrong.
That said, Casey and I do talk a lot about the possibility of having another baby someday. For us, and I imagine it's similar for other NICU families, it's really hard to sort out our desires for another baby from our desires (and hopes) for a normal, healthy pregnancy. I've said it before but I truly mourned the loss of my third trimester.
On the flip side of this though, Beatrice Kate is pretty freaking spectacular. And, she more than makes up for any inklings we might have to produce a sibling anytime soon. So for now, I'll just ooo and ahhh over the beautiful, tiny, squishy new babies I'll see as a doula. And then, come home to my raucous, rascally, amazing little girl and be thankful for what I do have, instead of dwelling on what I think I should have ...
What's your confessional this week? Now it's your turn to come clean with just one measly way that your life is perfectly imperfect...
There are only two rules to this link-up:
1) Please don't go confessing to anything majorly serious (like, oh, I don't know; a felony)
2) Be sure to link back to our blog and include the handy-dandy blog button at the top of the page (Just highlight the code, press Ctl+C, and copy into you "Edit HTML" tab)
**If you don't have a blog, but still want to participate, leave your confession in the Comments section below! And, even if you're not a mom or a homemaker, I'm sure there are still a few ways which your life isn't always hot dates and fancy dinners, right? Oh, please tell me that's the truth!