Monday, September 26, 2011

If Crazy is genetic... I'm doomed.

This weekend was hardly restful. Instead of lounging around watching Real Housewives of NJ and eating ice cream healing like a normal sick person would do, I packed up Busy Bea and headed west to help my mother move out of her rental home.

Getting there a couple of days ahead of the Big Move on Saturday, I used the extra time to visit with my grandmother: Nana. I can't remember how much I've talked about Nana on this blog; but I would venture to guess that it's not been enough. Aside from being an establishment in our family; an institution for our genes, she is, simply put- kinda' nuts. And  I mean that in the nicest possible way.

It's not really her that puts on the Crazy, it's more of the All-Day-Every-Day Fox News that's constantly streaming across the television(s) in the house that clouds her better judgmental. She trusts people of authority completely: the (Fox) news anchors, Sarah Palin, George W. Bush (actually, let's just make this any and all Republicans), doctors (though, not those in hospitals), police officers (one of her son-in-laws who happens to be one, in particular) and Dr. Oz.

If you've been keeping up with current new trends lately, then you'll already know that last week, Dr. Oz sunk the proverbial Sh!t Creek, when he announced to the world (and trusting old ladies like Nana) that apple juice manufacturers are poisoning our children with arsenic.

Naturally, Nana failed to see the follow-up reports from the FDA, the CDC and other rational news outlets and scientific researchers who proved that Dr. Oz if full of crap and conducted an invalid study.

So on Thursday, when I arrived at Nana's with Bea to spend time with her, the first conversation we had went something like this:

Me: Hey, Nana! We're here!
Nana: Oh. Lord. Ashley, what kind of juice does BK drink? You could be killing her.
Me: Uh. None? She doesn't get juice unless she's sick.
Nana: Don't give her the Mott's.
Me: Well, not a problem because she doesn't get juice.
Nana: And, there's another brand too. Don't give her Gerber. That has the highest number of arsenic.
Me: Ok, again, it's not a problem. She doesn't get juice regularly.
Nana: I just saw it on Dr. Oz. Apple juice kills babies.
Me: Uh, say Wha?
Nana: Motts and Gerber, don't give her those brands. They'll kill her with arsenic poisoning.
Me: Ok. But just to recap: She doesn't get juice so, it's not really a problem.
Nana: I saw it on Dr. Oz so I know it's the truth.
Me: Slamming my face into a wall She doesn't get juice; but if she does I'll be sure to stay clear of the Arsenic Juice.
Nana: OK Good. Did you eat yet? Want some cake?

I should have known we were in for it at that point. But later in the visit, we had a conversation like this:

Nana: Don't give BK salt.
Me: Uh, yea, not a problem. She doesn't get it anyway.
Nana: Good. Because, salt will raise her blood pressure. That's what my doctors told me. No salt because it raises my blood pressure.
Me: Are you sure that's not because of the 50+ years you were a smoker? Maybe that's what causes high blood pressure
Nana: And make sure she stays away from Motts and Gerber Apple Juice.
Me: Right. We covered that already.
Nana: Here BK, want an M&M?

I love everything about Nana; including her terror-filled stories of arsenic-poisoned, salt-cured babies. It makes me laugh and it makes me look forward to getting old; when apparently, you get free license to say whatever the heck you want.

Like the time she called me a "Bleeding Heart Liberal Hippy" for being fan of NPR... but that's a story for another day.



  1. HAHAHAHAHA omg. I bet your Nana is just the sweetest lady ever! Such a cute story. And of course I've had to go google arsenic apple juice lol

  2. I love that story... Mostly because the minute I have a child something equally as insane will happen. Oh the things I look forward to...